HUMOUR SERIES:
I am glad to announce that my regular number -460736533068 – is back into the Network.
The bad news is that during the period of “information blackout”, I have missed some hot Kenya-Stockholm gossip because some contacts did not get at the blog on time to update themselves that my phone got lost.
I disconnected the phone from the phone company so when someone buzzed me, the message was like “The number is temporarily out of use” or something like that.
In the process, I missed a story about a Kenyan lady who is becoming a matter of public concern to Wakenya because “anatembea na everybody”. As a mature adult, she has a right to do whatever she decides but according to some concerned Kenyan moralists who have the inside edition, she could be carrying the “big ugonjwa” and the risk, according to those opposed to her kutembea, is that she could be spreading the ugonjwa around because many of her contacts are apparently not updated that she is sick.
Naturally, you can’t know who is and who is not sick. When I tried to dig, I was told that there is evidence that she is sick because she was recently seen collecting medicine from the normal joint. I am one of those people who think that Kenyans who have ugonjwa kubwa should not be stigmatized but when it comes to leg-spreading to every Kamau, Onyango and Ondieki who knocks at the ka-door of the ailing sister, the issue begins to take the shape of a serious health risk especially to the Kenya bachelor community.
According to a Kenyan who has followed the lady’s history ya Kukanyagwa, Kenyans will soon start dropping dead one by one “and people should prepare for harambees”.
That could be an exaggeration but the other point is why Kenyan men are also cruising with their scud missiles irresponsibly and launching them in any direction and at any open black hole during their Vasa explorations. Do these Kenyan men have to take responsibility or should they be free because it is the lady doing the rounds?
You are a Kenyan bull and you know too well that our troubled lady has lost control of her critical gears of personal restraint especially when she is inebriated. You are mesmerized both with her extra-ordinary beauty and characteristic trade mark smile which is notorious for exposing those white even teeth and cute dimples to boot.
There is no question that she used to be very responsible when she had an equally responsible hubby but once her marriage collapsed (and this is perfectly normal in life), her personality and behavior began to take a downward turn as frustrations of single life and economic crisis began to pile up.
STRATEGIC RELOCATION VIA SMS
She never used to visit the pub but things have changed. At the time she split up with her ex, she had nice fleshy goods which quickly put her into business – a cute face, smooth curves, perfect madiabas and soft polished skin that many men would like to be associated with. She became even more “tempting to touch” by packing herself in breath taking and sexy attires, the kind that made her irresistible to even the most spiritual Pharisee walking in the streets of Stockholm. As a bundle of beef rolling in town, she could turn heads.
To be exact, you actually used to admire her when she was married and now, here she was, flirting with you in a pub in town, late into the night and staring at you irresistibly, almost saying with her body language that “you’ve got me tonight” and you have no doubt about that.
You don’t want to care about what she has been doing because your lust for her took over long time ago. In any case, the vinywaji have put you into the correct mood and you chose your words very carefully to ensure that you don’t say something stupid that could torpedo the arrangement that is already in place – both of you are ending up at your crib tonight and nothing else.
Although you are sitting next to her at Vasa, you send her an SMS that the two of you relocate to a nearby drinking hole to avoid the crowd of walevi at Vasa. You don’t want to send a whisper through her ear because an evil minded mlevi sitting close could be watching and the last signal you want to send in the situation is that you are sharing some secrets.
In other words, you fear giving her too much attention because a KSB spy could be around and since you are a “Public figure” in greater Kenya-Stockholm (forget about your shit job that puts you down), you are important and it is possible that due to too much attention, you could be linked to her by the hyper-active-super sensitive community of Kenya-Stockholm rumour mongers who are themselves polished professionals at creating the dirtiest of scandals.
You have positioned yourself as a leading member of a Kenyan organization or political Party branch in Scandinavia so you have your own status to protect. Besides, you are also pushing with Nani and hell would break lose if she gets wind that you are scratching this new catch whom we could call Kabibi for convinience.
Sending an SMS in the pub to Kabibi is strategic because you are 100% sure that if you are seen leaving Vasa with her, it will be “mission impossible” trying to convince gossipers ya kwamba haumkati. You know that if things work out, it will be one of those one night “lay-downs” and the best you can expect is that she could be admitted into the register of breasted visitors at your crib, a good maendeleo for your muscles and work outs.
Your “plan B” would be for her to leave Vasa first then you follow after five minutes but that is still risky so you send an SMS that she gets you at the other joint in 45 minutes time. That kinda interval is sure to kill all suspicions. She gives you a clear signal by blinking her left eye and you know it’s done. It’s been long since you last stretched your muscles and emptied your two tanks. An opportunity has presented itself so why not? You reason in your zonked and crooked brain. You give excuses to your pals in the pub because tomorrow you have to go to work very early. Kumbe.
Just like the beginning of the Iraq war, the plan goes as scheduled and she arrives at the other joint carrying her expensive red hand bag. She swings into the place like an accomplished model and, still talking on the phone, locates your position, zooms in your direction in a delicate gait that almost melts you down then she settles on a chair you had put in position to ensure that hakai mbali. You are carried away because you cannot still bring yourself to imagine that it’s you who will be handling “the whole material” in just a few hours and from the safety of your crib.
She has reinforced lipstick that has revived her looks since you last saw her at Vasa and as she settles close to you, you are captivated by her sweet scent that reminds you that she has sprayed perfume afresh, just for you. You begin to appreciate the presence of perfumes and lipsticks in body shops while the experience also teaches you something about ladies – body care products of the perfume and lips stick type could send a serious message. You spy her necklace and you come to grips with the fact that it could swallow the whole of your pay package.
Kabibi’s conversation on the phone seems long but you have to wait. You figure out that she is talking to another bull so you are not alone but this doesn’t worry you. You know she is also very sophisticated and as long as your agenda is going well, you don’t have to distabilize the mood especially with intrusive questions so you keep your cool.
The fact that she has followed your design tonight means that you are at a much better position to “eat the cake” than any other bull still wasting time on the phone.
You exploit the time she is bizzi on the phone to order drinks, just to alert her that she doesn’t have to worry. You know she is taking Mariastad because both of you have just left Vasa. You have to order the drink quickly because a delay could probably enable her to come to her senses and change from Mariastad into a whisky, Barcadi or some complicated and expensive cocktail that could begin to punch gaping holes into your credit cards.
Because your social life hangs on credit cards, you know something about interest rates, transaction fees and unnecessary bills piling up on your door so your game plan is just within Mariastad kinda swallowship. These are the only moments when you begin to pray to Jesus Karast silently that the dear wallet be spared from unknown attacks because last month, you failed to send money to that ka-relative in Kenya because you had to urgently tame some wild bills that popped up when you were out hunting for a skirt wearing creature after days of ukamwe.
You went out to have a drink but now, you have a date and the financial stress is already there because for a final impact, you will have to order a meal because you hope to get her to your crib to night and cooking is one of the rare activities that takes place in your kitchen. You understand that you can’t go to her place because she has kids who know you quite well and if you make that mistake, you are clear about the consequences.
ABRUPT CRISIS AS HOT GOSSIP HITS KENYA STOCKHOLM UNDERGROUND
Things work out well at your new retreat and soon, you are on your way home. You thought it would be siri but unfortunately, you have been spotted by Nani as you make that final corner from the Tube station, just a few meters from your keja. The bump into is so close that you stop for a brief chit chat and to try and cover up things a bit.
“I have also met Mama Nani here and there is something I wanted to ask her”, you begin. The truth is that you made an agreement at the pub that she’s yours for the night but you danganya expecting to get away with it easily. Then suddenly, a crisis erupts.
“Eti you have met me here when we have spent the whole evening together and now we are going to your place. You think I am shit?” Kabibi intervenes, standing akimbo and shaking her shoulders as she gives you a blast.
You have to do something. It is the first signal that she is really drunk and she has pulled a huge surprise that will take you days, if not months to repair because your friend sio mchache in spreading stuff. You apologize quickly, cut the conversation and say kwaheri. You are in real trouble and you have to call your friend as soon as possible for further cover up otherwise the thing might end up at KSB.
You calm her down because you can’t afford to let go after spending a fortune. Your muscles have been down for weeks while psychologically, you were set to dance below the sheets tonight so? You will deal with the crisis later and reasoning is easy because the vinywaji are in control of all your vital faculties.
After Mkatano the following morning and Kabibi has left, you draw a map of how the runour might begin to spread. Nani whom you met will give the story to this and that Mkenya who will spread it to Nani who will get it to the Norsborg Network where ita tembea the whole of Kenya-Stockholm.
The best strategy is to call some key channels within the wider Network and throw a clue “about how Kabibi drinks herself these days” so that when they get the story, it is already distorted. You can throw in a bait which goes like this: You met her at Vasa, she told you she’s gonna visit a friend who stays at Alby where you stay but at the Tunnel, she insisted on following you arguing that she wanted to see where you live. You refused because it was late and she was too drunk.
You then met Baba Nani just as you were leaving the station but when you told him that you had just met Kabibi at the station, she became upset and started saying that you have been together the whole evening. You later dodged her because you don’t want mambo zake. In your disinformation campaign, you leave out the mkatano part because that is the core of the scandal you are trying to avoid.
When the hot gossip hits the underground BBC channel, you are not the guy who shies away. You continue to explain your position while checking who is in the frontline in spreading the rumour. If you can find a scandal about the person, you go for it. “Nani is spoiling my name but what about him?” you counter. By then, you have gone into the archive, pulled something dirty, added salt na pilipili then fire because after all, this is Kenya Stockholm na kama ni kubaya ni kubaya.
You have to defend your reputation. You are just discovering that despite her smashing beauty, Kabibi ni wembe sharp sana. She unpacked the goods for your consumption but now, you are paying heavily because enemy forces have manufactured fresh propaganda that una ugonjwa kubwa ju she has been your girl. It goes that it’s you who is responsible for her divorce and besides, you were seen together at Alby sa Nane usiku on your way to your house. But you are a survivor and you know you will go through this although it might take time. That is just another part of Kenya life in Stockholm.
Okoth Osewe
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