Kenya-Stockholm Baby Boom and “Missing Fathers”

According to a recent KSB survey, 7 bouncing Kenyan babies have been born in Stockholm

Who is the father?

Timbuktu: Who is her UFO?

since the beginning of the year while 4 Kenyan mothers and 2 Swedish mothers with Kenyan spouses are currently “heavily laden” with “Baby cargo” waiting to be downloaded at Karolinksa, Huddinge and Danderyd hospitals in Stockholm.

Interviews by KSB, visual calculations by “pregnancy experts” within the Kenyan community and estimates by “Kenya-Stockholm Pregnancy Observer Group” indicate that all the expectant mothers with Kenyan links will, most likely, download before Christmas. Massive preparations are underway and not even the gigantic crisis facing global capitalism appear to have affected preparations for new arrivals.

According to analysts who have been following the development of Kenyan tummies suspected or known to be loaded with cargo, majority of the actions which triggered the expansion of the tummies appear to have taken place last winter. For example, a cargo that was downloaded in June this year must have been “packaged together and squeezed in” last October while all December uploads and installations at various bed-rooms were downloaded last month.

Following the production of the seven babies, at least four have been “welcomed officially” into the world through house parties while another three are still waiting to be welcomed. Some babies are still on the waiting list because their mothers “downloaded recently” and they still need time to recuperate before they can be able to receive Kenyan crowds.

Both the arrival of the babies and the expected cargo before the end of the year means that the total number of Kenya-Stockholmers who will be added to the current population will shoot to thirteen, one of the biggest population leaps among Kenyans in Stockholm in recent times.

There are cases of “hidden or closed uploads” which are not included in the statistics because the couples involved have decided to remain at large. The implication is that the number of babies may be higher than 13 depending on whether you are talking about “open or closed” uploads.

In fact, the rate at which the ballooning process has been proceeding has been so high that some newcomers in the field of watoto production have been confusing terms and baby activities thereby causing a lot of indigestion to veterans who are now proposing the setting up of a “Consultative committee”, not just to address the gist of the confusion but also to provide direction in a complicated field where experienced actors could help new comers.

Since July, three “baby showers” have been organized in Stockholm for babies who have already landed on the surface while at least one “baby shower” is being planned for yet another baby who is already suckling her mother’s breasts and getting diapers changed.

The confusion is that those behind these activities do not understand that a “baby shower” is an event organized for an expectant mother and not one who has already downloaded. The idea of a “baby shower” is to prepare for the coming angel, not to receive the new comer. I once got an SMS to attend a “baby shower” at Märsta and when I inquired the expected period of the big download, I was told that “the baby is healthy”. While trying to avoid further embarrassment with new questions related to semantics, I promised “to attend” and, surely, the baby looked very healthy.

“EXPERTS” FOLLOWING “FAMILY TREE OF BOYFRIENDS”
In light of the above confusion, concerns are growing that new comers may proceed to confuse even more

November download

November download

matters that may have far-reaching consequences to the baby victims. In another example, a couple who had just arrived from hospital purchased the wrong type of supplementary food while in yet another case, a first time father who is used to attention from the wife began to have second thoughts about the future because the wife’s attention was all on the little thing in the house. This kind of father needs a psychological tuning because he is still growing up as a father. But that is the easy part.

Another problem is that there are babies who have been born but whose fathers are still at large or remain “Unidentified Fatherly Objects (UFOs)”. The problem is that this kind of situation has created a new kind of gossip especially among “Kenya-Stockholm Olympic gossipers” who could have earned gold medals for the nation in Beijing if gossiping was a game at the Olympics. Buzz one of them and then fly a topic and you will get more than you buzzed for.

This group, which has its meeting places at key “sitting rooms” in town, has been trying to analyze every baby born or scanning every swollen tummy to try and attach a “fire-man” who could be behind the new development. In cases where there is no “attachment”, they begin to go back into history to try and trace bulls who may have been attached to the mother (or would be mother) to try and come up with an answer as to who may have been responsible. It is at this point when things begin to turn spooky.

You will hear that the nose of the child looks like that of Simimi although the shape of the ears suggest something to do with Abarikiwe and things like that. In extreme cases, the analysis could take awkward twists – eti that kid does not look like he’s Kenyan. It is clearly having West African roots because have you ever studied the shape of the head? The answer, according to another MP in the ka-Parliament, is simple. It can’t be West African because the chick has never had a WA-BF.

The situation becomes even more creepy when the experts begin to follow the tree of boyfriends of the victim of analysis. It goes something like “she dumped Mapozi in February last year, got together with Clifford whom she split up with last summer because Clifford was pushing with Kabibi”. Then another analyst picks it up. “I think that the most likely father is Meja because Kachero saw them at H62 disco together this January and since then, she has been single”. For now, Meja remains the UFO until this diagnosis is overthrown by new evidence.

Why should the parentage of a baby disturb some Kenyans to an extent that they take their time to meet in order to discuss who is and who is not the father of this and that baby? Is this not a breach of other people’s privacy?

Anyway. The sudden ballooning of tummies is an indication that Kenyan couples in Stockholm have eventually taken a firm decision to multiply like other communities and to increase the population of the community which is important for future bargaining power especially in the field of politics. We have produced an Obama in the United States so why not get on the “Swedish Obama” Project?

If other communities are multiplying as the bible says, why not Kenyans? KSB sends greetings to all new-babied families plus those to come. It is a good demonstration by couples that love is not just in the house but that the bed-room bed is not idle either.

Okoth Osewe

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