Once again, it is the Kenya-Stockholm scandal week at KSB and this explains why juicy storos are popping up every day. To avoid heart attacks which might lead to premature departures to that mystic resting place, readers are advised to acquire the latest “shock absorbers” to cope with the rate of scandal explosions this week.
Those who can afford are advised to buy any “shock-absorbing software” which can be installed in the mind to prevent sudden psychological disorientation in the face of an explosive scandal. The best software currently available in the market is called “I don’t care” (version 2012) while another good one which has been around for some time is called “So What?” Once installed in the mind, the two soft wares are known to harden attitudes towards scandals (especially for the victims) with the result that one can still have a good sleep even after a scandal explodes at KSB.
The scandal week is observed annually at KSB to create some space in KSB’s underground scandal deport. This prevents the deport from exploding accidentally and exposing sensitive scandals which are still highly classified. The problem is that the explosion of a classified scandal can be so devastating to the parties concerned and this is why, for security reasons, the management of KSB’s scandal deport usually ensures that these scandals don’t escape through leakage or accidental explosions ocuring as a result of uncontrollable circumstances. Explosions during the scandal week are “controlled” so the damage is limited.
With time, it has become necessary for KSB to offer a short manual for victims of scandal explosions. This policy was born out of the need to help victims survive a KSB scandal because when a scandal explodes at the blog site, it is usually equivalent to a person being exposed to a serious accident. The manual, therefore, is like “first aid” and it is important that the content of the manual be published because scandals have become an integral part of KSB.
Scandals not only provide increased traffic (which KSB needs because the blog site is in business) but are also “the icing on the KSB cake” which readers consume every day. KSB is not alone in this strategy. As anybody versed in media politics will testify, millions of media outlets thrive on scandal alone while others have made scandals their main source of business. The good news is that scandals are only allocated 10% of KSB’s content although there has been a lot of pressure from readers that this percentage should go up! Back to the manual. The following is a rough guide to surviving a scandal at KSB.
1. If you find yourself the main subject of a scandal at KSB, don’t panic. Relax and take a deep breath of fresh air. If you still feel that your system is disturbed, try watching TV or listening to music. This will help sooth your system as you absorb the scandal.
2. Your scandal can be known or unknown to the general public of Kenya-Stockholm. If you think that it is unknown (your close friends will always call you about it if it is known), just relax. If it is known, accept or deny, depending on whether it is obvious.
3. If the scandal is obvious and you are convinced that it was just a matter of time before it surfaced at KSB, don’t call KSB to complain because you will never be named so you will never win. If a friend calls you about it, blame some unnamed friend for having “leaked it” to KSB. It is of no use calling KSB because our personnel are well versed in dealing with such situations.
4. For heaven’s sake, don’t confirm the scandal’s story line to anybody. If someone who knows about it calls and asks you what is going on, say that it has been exaggerated (if you know that it’s out there). You can divert attention by attacking KSB and claiming that the blog site is doing a great disservice to Kenyans in Stockholm by publishing such stories. Our statistics and feed backs show that scandals are the kind of stuff readers want to consume but for the sake of your survival, claim that these kinds of storos should never find their way at the blog site because they destroy other people’s lives.
5. If you don’t have any other explanation or you don’t know how to respond, attack KSB’s President “OO”. Tell your listener that double zero is just an idle Kenyan in Stockholm with nothing important to do then link this idleness to the surfacing of the scandal at KSB. When you attack the boss, you assume some kind of power in the eyes of your listener who might end up sympathizing with you so why not? You can add that you know of many lives which have been “destroyed” by KSB and propose that “Kenyans must do something” to stop KSB. The truth is that nothing can be done because the scandals are brought in by these same Kenyans. Chances are, you could be talking to the very person who brought your scandal at KSB.
6. Another good tactic is to claim that you are not the one being referred to in the scandal. You can strengthen this position by claiming that you have spoken to KSB’s prezzo who has confirmed that it is not about you. By posing as though you had called KSB, you are exhibiting courage in the eyes of your listener. You can add that KSB was very surprised that you had called and cap it up by claiming that KSB did admit that various story lines could be the same and that if the story line reflects your reality, it may have been accidental. You can even claim that the scandal is about another Kenyan whose circumstances are similar to yours and whom you know but whose ID you cannot reveal. To prove it, you can advise your listener to call KSB and true to character, we will never reveal anything.
7. If the story is true and there is no way you can go around it, tell your listener that you have been betrayed by one of your best friends. Even if you don’t know how the scandal reached KSB, claim that you know exactly who leaked it, when it was leaked and how. By claiming that you are in the know, you are actually taking control of the circumstances and this claim will leave your listener with a feeling that you are well informed about what happens around you. Further, claim that the caller also knows who leaked it but decline to name the culprit because the truth is that you will never know how KSB picked up the storo. That is the most kept secret at KSB. Assure the caller that you will soon speak to the person who leaked the story (the truth is that you have no idea how it happened) then conclude by saying that now, you don’t trust anybody in Kenya-Stockholm except the listener. Advise the listener to be very careful with friends and use yourself as an example of a person who has been betrayed by a trusted friend you have been helping all the way. You can claim that at one point, you paid the rent for your friend when he/she was in financial crisis but that now, ame kupiga teke kama punda.
8. Most importantly, don’t try to fight KSB. You will always lose because we know the game inside out. If you really want to vent your anger and must call, claim that much of what has been reported is not true. Congratulate KSB for having “tried” to pry into your private life but don’t give any details because they may end up at the blog site. Insist that KSB should find better things to write about. By belittling what has been published at KSB, you are actually massaging your own ego and assuming the position of a judge. That is good for your psychological recovery!
9. If you are strong enough and you know that it is your scandal which has hit the headlines, you might be interested in straightening certain points. This is what we, at KSB love. You can be sure that your version of the storo will go out as long as all legalities are sorted so don’t be afraid. Give your version but in a way that tries to repair the damage. Deny the most damaging aspects of the scandal by calling for proof. KSB personnel are human beings, just like you so anything is possible.
10. In the worst case scenario, claim that you never read KSB because whatever is reported at the blog site is just gossip and propaganda. Tell your listener that you are not bothered at all by the storo (the truth is, it’s eating you up) because you don’t have time to waste, reading bull-shit.
Surely, if your scandal has appeared at KSB, you need to survive because life must go on. You might not be able to utilize all the tips given but check your reality and act. You can still turn things around and convert a scandal into a source of progress. In this way, you will be helping KSB and KSB will be helping you. Good luck!
Okoth Osewe
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