“Leaked Cables” show strained relationship
Just in the very midst of the Wikileaks sensation that has gripped world attention, glued millions of scandal-seekers behind computer screens and kept curious journalists waiting to process the leaks into juicy stories, a new leak in Kenya-Stockholm of Mashaka’s “domestic cables” indicate that his marital affair with Lonah Njoki (his Kenyan wife fished from the village) may be entering into a period of serious difficulty.
The “Mashaka cables”, marked “SEC” for “secret” and CON for “confidential” were delivered to a target through a series of SMSes which were leaked last week by one of Mashaka’s closest allies. The leaker, who has been a confidant of Mashaka for a long time, has been in his “SMS List” since wifero Lonah landed in turbulent Stockholm in March this year.
When Mashaka’s first relationship hit the rocks and ended in a bitter split, a major collateral damage included a serious financial crisis that nearly dispatched the dude to Kronofogden, the debt collection agency. When he was in Kenya to tie the final strings that led to Lonah’s arrival, the urgency to sustain his high “Diaspora profile” forced him into “an-overspend” and this precipitated a new financial mess at a personal level.
As part of fund-raising for Lonah’s air ticket at short notice after the chick’s mapepe landed at the Swedish Embassy in Nairobi, Mashaka borrowed 4.000kr from his confidant and right-hand man, Bakari Bidii. More than 8 months after he was bailed out by a loyal pal, Mashaka has been unable to repay the loan because, according to a cable, he has been burning money, trying to transform his new wife’s outlook from that of an “indigenous and shoeless village girl” into a “sophisticated Stockholm babe” that could turn the head of any male creature walking on the surface of the earth.
The inability of Mashaka to service his buddy’s debt has been the source of malevolence between him and Bidii who has himself been wallowing in “a swamp of personal problems” that landed him on the list of depression suspects at the local clinic. Finally, the camaraderie between the two Kenyans suffered a final break-down.
In a moment of desperation and in order to get-even, Bidii began to circulate Mashaka’s cables as he also embarked on a character assassination mission of his former kompis. It was just a matter of time before the “Mashaka cables” were wired to KsbLeaks through an encrypted file sent via email.
Rare and rib-tickling episodes
Although the 147 cables give a “candid and honest assessment” of Mashaka’s matrimonial fusion, they also provide rare and rib-tickling episodes during Mashaka’s honeymoon in a way that could literally send KSBeers “falling from their chairs” behind their computer screens, “rolling on the floor laughing”.
The cables are descriptive, graphic and to the point. For example, during their first weeks in Stockholm, Lonah could phone Mashaka at work to alert him that some mails had arrived in the house. Mashaka had strongly advised her to stay indoors because he did not want to risk anything when he was away during her first days in Stocky.
When Mashaka arrived home and got the mails his new rib had talked about, they turned out to have been a bunch of useless reklam papers (adverts) and this kind of situations tickled Mashaka because they reminded him of having taken certain basic things for granted.
It’s him who told Njeri that in Sweden, people don’t go to the Post Office to pick personal mails because they are dropped on the door by the postman. He forgot to warn her that not everything dropped on the door is mail. Whenever he experienced “a funny episode” he wired a cable to Man Bidii who, in turn, cabled back a hilarious comment.
“She thinks the reklam crap are mails and I usually find them neatly kept, after she has called at work to update me about new letters”, says one cable sent via Mashaka’s mobile.
“Wao! You are just a lucky kid mamen and u need to hurry up and program her about them reklam otherwise you will have too many mails to read the whole night lol…”, replied Bidii. Mashaka then hit back thus: “I picture myself reading the mails at the study the whole night and even running out of time to rock oki…”.
In another cable, which Mashaka sent just a few days after Lonah landed in Stockholm, he returned home from work and when he entered the toilet to answer a call of nature, he was shocked when he found wet clothes spread everywhere and on every object in the wash room. Lonah had just done the laundry by hand and since there was nowhere to hung the clothes, she spread them all over the place – on the bath tab, water closet, toilet seat and everywhere.
When Mashaka understood what had happened – that he forgot to update his wife about the washing machine plus drier – he burst out as the poor Njeri surfaced to try and investigate what was soooo funny. Mashaka “laughed himself to exhaustion” before he took Njeri on a step by step lecture on how the washing machine and the drier works. Later, he sent a cable to Bidii about the “birth room shock”.
On the first day after Mashaka picked his indigenous wife from the airport, much of the time was spent on listening to her storos about experiences in the jetliner. Mashaka kissed her at the arrival lounge although a cable says that she was very uneasy because “it was the first time she was being kissed in public… she kept looking around feeling embarrassed until she spotted another white couple kissing at another corner, not caring who was around”.
When the chick got to Mashaka’s apartment, her curiosity reached fever-pitch. After an elaborate and well calculated “familiarization tour” of the house, she began to wonder how Mashaka cooked food because she could not locate any cooking pot at the end of the “kitchen intro”.
“She didn’t expect any fire-wood but at least, food is cooked in a pot lol…”, wrote Mashaka in a cable. He mused that when he returns to Kenya, he will buy a small pot as souvenir “to remind her that the age of the pot was over”. Once the matter was resolved, a new complication arose.
According to a report, Lonah Njoki could not concretely identify the electric cooker in the kitchen and Mashaka had to physically point the equipment to her. “This is the jiko where food is cooked sweetheart… your life will change forever…”. The couple then cracked a again, with Lonah laughing at how food can be cooked “on such a thing” and Mashaka laughing at her pathetic innocence built out of her “firewood experience”!
She then asked whether the equipment uses kerosene and this time, Mashaka nearly coughed out his lungs before taking her through a real-time intro of the electric cooker. In a later cable, Mashaka told his buddy that “this time I hit the jack-pot”. He reported to Bidii that “when she was shown the oven, she thought that was the fire wood compartment!”.
Punde si punde, it was time for the house to be swept clean after the bread winner went to work and our girl could not find the broom. After searching the house intensively for almost two hours (she was absolutely certain she could identify a broom when she sees one), she did the natural – called Mashaka to tell her the location because she wanted to “sweep the house”.
When Mashaka made his calculations, he advised her to relax until he comes back. In his mind, getting her to identify the vacuum cleaner then providing tele-support that could lead to a successful vacuum cleaning was almost “mission impossible”. For Mashaka, it was like trying to stop WikiLeaks from leaking by closing down web sites! He enjoyed every bit of it and on his way home, he knew he had an evening lecture on “Vacuum cleaning”.
A spectacular balancing act after shopping
Lonah had arrived with a lot of useless clothes from Kenya but Mashaka was too broke to take her to the conventional fashion shops in town – Ålens, NK, Lindex, Stadium, Kappal, et al. He then came up with a brilliant idea. His Njoki needed to start venturing outdoors and besides, she needed warm clothes because it was March and the winter cold was still biting. One Saturday afternoon, he surprised his wife with a shopping trip to replace the rags she carried along.
He took her straight to a UFF shop (second hand) and to Mashaka’s surprise, she liked almost every clothe that could fit her. The clothes were going for between 10-30 kr and when they were through with shopping at a tune of 500kr, they had to stuff the almost 10kgs of clothes in a huge UFF polythene. Although Mashaka understood that he would climb the shopping ladder when his economy improved, he had not factored in how they would carry home the huge yellow sack with giant “UFF” initials (written in black).
The idea of advertising to everybody in the environment that they had just been to a second hand shop to buy a heap of cheap second hand stuff (which had actually been thrown away by Wazungu) did not sound very stylish. As he began to play with the idea of taking a Taxi, Njoki offered to carry the gigantic cargo on her head. Just like Mashaka was about to utter the words “that is impossible”, she picked the stuff and put it on her head without much effort.
“I am used to carrying much heavier fire-wood for long distances and this is nothing”, she boldly told Mashaka as she added that they begin to move. For Mashaka, the act of carrying the huge cargo on top of her head was in itself a very spectacular event that could attract huge public attention but Lonah did not seem to be bothered. She looked composed as she waited for signals from her hubby.
Reluctantly, Mashaka left the UFF compound with the huge cargo delicately patched on Lonah’s head. After a few steps, she balanced the cargo on her head (like a bunch of firewood) and walked majestically without touching it. These are the only moments when Mashaka usually begins to pray to his Almighty – that he doesn’t meet a Kenyan on the way because then, storos could begin spreading that amefirisika mpaka nawadayz the only option for shopping is UFF! You could have seen Mashaka trying to pretend that they are not together as they walked to the tube station!
According to the “Mashaka cables”, the dude and his spouse may, unfortunately, be experiencing the sun-set of their honeymoon. In one of the cables, Mashaka is warning the woman that “I brought you to Stockholm and I can return you to Kenya at any time”. We are processing the next leaks to be released as soon as they are ready.
Okoth Osewe
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OMG Osewe am rolling on the floor with cracked ribs coz this is just toooo funnyyy!!!The UFF part is just unbelievable.Wat a wife for Mashaka!
KSB: Beno, remember this is humour. What is missing due to space is that UFF necklaces/bangles/shoes were purchased at 20kr and the gal “was liking it”… keep me posted. After pointing to the direction of the underground about 500m away, Mashaka slipped into a Pressbyrå to buy a cig in order to avoid walking side by side! “Ningoje hapo kwa station”, he said relieved that he had taken care of the distance between UFF and the Station without a Kenyan popping up to ask him what was up!
…lol..this story made my day….too funny..haha