HUMOUR:
Whenever a scandal breaks out in Kenya-Stockholm and it begins Kutembezwa, there are scandal barons who have been playing a key role in circulating the tales, whether true or false. KSB has tracked down these gossipers and named them as a contribution towards the minimization of both circulation of rumours and manufacture of hot gossip that damage people’s reputations. The naming of these country-men and women is part of a new program funded by the Swedish International Development Agency (SIDA) aimed at eliminating rumours and dirty gossip among Kenyans in Stockholm. After months of research, the following names have popped up.
1: Watu Wengine
Top on the list is a guy called “Watu Wengine” whose knowledge of members of the Kenya-Stockholm community is so huge that he is believed to know almost everything happening around. Almost every Kenyan knows him and if you were to eavesdrop on Kenya-Stockholm phones, you will most likely come across his name being mentioned almost on every conversation especially if gossip is involved. He is a guy to watch out for and if a Kenyan names him during a conversation, know that the storo may have circulated 80 percent among Kenyans in Stockholm.
To identify him, look for a combination like “Watu Wengine told me that Makozewe lost his job and that currently, he is in Kronofogden…”. Watu Wengine is very dangerous because when he circulates his stories, he doesn’t warn you not to quote him as some Kenyans normally do. Ever heard of “Makozewe is stuck in Kenya after going there with a one-way ticket but don’t quote me…?”. With Watu Wengine, you can quote him anyhow and one funny thing is that nothing usually happens to him. You can vividly say that “Watu Wengine told me that blah blah blah…” and get away with it. It’s that simple. When you want info from him, give him beer.
2: Nili Pigiwa
She is also known by her nick-name of “Nilipata Simu”. If you have ever been on the phone for an hour with someone and what you have been discussing is Wakenya and gossip, then, most likely, you have been talking to “Nili Pigiwa”. The strongest characteristic of this lady is that she has a never ending tale of storos about almost everybody. Sometimes, the stories are normally so hot that as soon as you put your phone down, you call a friend to say something like “Aiseh, Nili Pigiwa eti so and so is in police custody.
Nilipigiwa aka Nilipata Simu could get in touch any time to ask you if you have some time to spare. Then, you know that something hot is on the way. Even if you were already on the dining table, you will simply say that you have a few minutes then you will get your feed as the real food cools down on the plate. Nili Pigiwa is a very diplomatic lady. If she calls late in the night, she always apologizes in advance. “Excuse me if I am calling so late but do you have a few minutes”, she could open up the conversation. “Of course… no problem. I was just getting ready to go to bed so no problem”, you would say as you prepare for the hot tale late in the night.
Even if you were in the middle of hanyaring/kuhanywa, you could jump off and claim that you have a few minutes to spare because the more she calls deeper in the night, the more juicy the storo could be and you don’t want to miss it eller hur?
Nili Pigiwa will then give you a powerful package of the latest about so and so and end quickly with a shot that she will call you in the morning for more. If you insist on getting the details right away, she will be happy to be your guest for the next hour and you will have to forget about your mhanyo for some time. The next day, you will find yourself in a situation where you are quoting her. It goes like “Mamen, jana Nili Pigiwa in the dead of the night eti nani is hanyaring ex wa nani…”. The answer that never comes up is Ulipigiwa na nani? You will yourself begin to spread the rumour without even knowing it because Nili Pigiwa is an infectious virus in the community of hot gossipers although everybody protects her ID because of some reasons.
3: Ina Semekana
This guy operates more like a Radio station. He is not known to manufacture rumours or negative propaganda by himself but he specializes in picking up stories and then circulating them in a kind of daily broadcast. For example, if you have an enemy and you want to begin circulating dirty propaganda against him/her, the best guy to call is Ina Semekana. When you call with a storo, don’t ask the guy directly to spread the stuff.
Make it look like you are telling him a story then add as much spices as possible. If you are the enemy of say Mr. Makozewe aka Notorias and you want kumchafua, it can go something like this: “Mamen, what is wrong with Makozewe these days? I understand that he conned a lady almost half a million Kenyan shillings in Kenya by pretending that he could bring this lady to study in Sweden. After scooping the quid, he sneaked back to Sweden and now, he is wanted to face charges of theft. I did not know that he was capable of doing such a thing”.
Leave it there then try to cut off the conversation. Don’t forget to tell him to update you in case of any new developments. Ina Semekana will never interrupt you when you are delivering information and he will never ask you for your sources because that would spoil the storo. He is likely to just mutter words like “really”, “I can’t believe this”, “that is serious” etc as you puke your crap about your victim. Just in case he tries to find out lightly, you can say that you were told by “Watu Wengine” and that’s it. The storo will begin to do the rounds but the victim will never know who is behind it.
Ina Semekana is very creative. When he packages the story, it will begin with details of how Makozewe amefirisika mpaka the guy is conning innocent people in Kenya. “Kuna maneno makubwa sana because I have received info direct from Kenya and from a source that is a cousin to the lady Makozewe conned”. Ina Semekana shall have transformed the story by adding stuff and repackaging it to make it flow like a movie.
4: Watu Wanasema
This guy operates like a Kenyan Member of Parliament. When he speaks, it is like he is doing so on behalf of the entire Kenya-Stockholm community. If a story has already reached the custody of Watu Wanasema, then almost everybody already knows about it. The guy is always ready to be quoted at any time and on any storo.
Watu Wanasema is a kind of King in the Kenya-Stockholm hot gossip line-up and his information is normally transmitted after it has gone through a series of processing to give it some kind of undisputed authority. The guy is a kind of collective voice of many Kenyans who seldom believe in what he says because information he gives may have passed through the mouths and ears of many Kenyans without changing much, either in detail or presentation.
In fact, info from Watu Wanasema is treated almost as the absolute truth due to the continuous filtration process over a period of time. As an example, a story could be circulating that a Kenyan has HIV but as soon as Watu Wanasema begins to circulate it, an added detail could be that another Kenyan met the HIV+ dude at a clinic when he was collecting medicine. The story then gains more currency as it slowly becomes the accepted truth even if there is no verification.
5: Kuna Rafiki
Another source of hot gossip is called “Kuna Rafiki” and the guy is very smart. In fact, he is the smartest of them all. He is a good friend of yours and you know him so well that he is one of the few guys you can actually trust with sensitive information.
You know that if a certain piece of info gets to Mkenya A, Mkenya B will, most likely, get it in less than an hour (because they are buddies) then it will spread to Mkenya C (linked to Mkenya B) who is in so and sos Network before it hits Vasa through Mkenya D who is a very close friend of Ina Semekana (the Radio station). Kuna Rafiki is the guy who will never tembeza the storo with your name still attached to it for an angry victim to call you back kukusomea as to why you are spoiling his/her Ka-name. You give him a storo and he first takes it to the garage where he tactfully unbolts your name off the front panel then pushes it forward for circulation with a new source – Watu Wengine.
What is puzzling is why many Kenya-Stockholmers are very polite when dealing with Kuna Rafiki because when they quote him, there is never graphics that could lead to his Keja. In a moment of revelation, it goes something like “Kuna Rafiki who told me that Ambassador Purity was seen swinging at Mama Afrika reggae Club last Sato” or something like that.
6: Wakenya Wanasema
Lady Wakenya Wanasema is actually the wife of Watu Wanasema, a notorious gossiping couple in Kenya-Stockholm. They are related, just like Watu Wengine is related to Sam Pippo. When a storo is being broadcast by Wakenya Wanasema, there is little you can do but to live with it and such stories never go away even after a very long time. There are some scandals which disappear from the scene as soon as they have been enjoyed but when it comes to storos spread by Wakenya Wanasema, it is always a permanent kind of tale. An example will suffice.
A story about a Kenyan hanyaring a paperless chick may melt from the Kenya-Stockholm atmosphere after some days but if you gather that Wakenya Wanasema eti so and so has been selling precious goods in the market since them days, such storos never melt. Wakenya Wanasema has no mercy and could spread anything (usually very negative stuff) that could send your enemies tossing at Vasa in a moment of joy and shouting “amewezwa” this time around jinga yewe mavi ya kuku.
7: Nili Sikia
In Kenya Stockholm, nobody is as social as ”Nilkisikia”. Although a single lady, Nilisikia always tends to avoid direct human contacts when unleashing her storos. She operates on the phone while she is also the favourite of Kenyans who are often not afraid of quoting her when trying to trace the source of a storo.
When being quoted, her name is always inserted into a conversation to make it go something like “Nilisikia eti so and so has split with his ka-wife he has been boasting around with…”. “Nili Sikia eti the guy has been treating the wife like they are in Kenya but Sam Pippo have also been pumping the wife with propaganda that this is Sweden and that she ought not to take shit from the guy.
8: Sam Pippo
As mentioned earlier, Sam Pippo is related to Watu Wengine by blood. They are cousins and you can be sure that if Sam Pippo knows something, Watu Wengine also has a copy. According to intelligence, the two drink together and when you spot them at a joint, they are, most likely, putting together the latest rumour to be circulated in Kenya Stockholm. They don’t go to Vasa Temple very often because they have developed a Network of contacts who specialize in circulating information they have cooked in their rumour kitchens.
9-10: Other two Kenyans who have been identified by KSB’s research unit as people in the front line of spreading gossip and propaganda are Ali Niambia and Nili Ambiwa, two brothers who are also suspected to be members of Al-Wanaskandali. However, very little is known about the two and our researchers, led by Professor Ume Jua, are still investigating how they operate. Another name in the list is “Ai Andastand” but details later. Kenya-Stockholmers should watch out for these ladies and gentlemen because they are the people manufacturing rumours and driving unwelcome gossip in Kenya-Stockholm. KSB will continue to expose them as a contribution to the fight against “The Axis of Rumours” in Kenya-Stockholm.
Okoth Osewe
About the Author
KBS is entertaining…..thats too funny. And that girl on the pic is a Tyra Banks look a like…:)
KSB: KS-Beers don’t have kuhuzunika all the time eller hur?
Shame on you all these “top ten” kenya-stockholm gossipers who are grownups men and women and also family people.What are these individuals teaching their children? Instead of wasting time gossiping, help your children with home works,or engage yourselves with positive things.The same individuals are well known for hanyaring among kenyans in stockholm.
The worst of all these categories are the people who manufacture and package LIES in the name of SCANDALS at KSB. When they feel overwhelmed with their own scandals, they create lies about other people to divert attention. Shame on these type of people.