Masumbuko in Crisis with Swedish Girlfriend

John Masumbuko, a Kenyan national resident in Stockholm, is in deep crisis with his Swedish girlfriend at a critical time when he thought that the process of “making papers” was as well as finalized after he cornered the white chick who swallowed his “paper bait” line, hook and sinker. The crisis comes at a time when debate about “paperless” and “papered” Kenyans has just been ignited by Shiku.

Speaking to KSB and sounding extremely worried, Masumbuko said that his Swedish girlfriend is threatening to derail his paper-making process because she has discovered a major skeleton which has been resting in his cupboard. About a week ago, a dramatic turn-around of events sent his girlfriend on a spiral of fury because she had discovered email communication between Masumbuko and his Kenyan wife whom he had promised to bring to Sweden once he “fixes his papers”.

“It was a big strategic blunder”, Masumbuko told KSB. He has two email addresses – one which has been open to his girlfriend “under the policy of transparency” and a secret address which he uses for confidential communication deemed unfit for his girlfriend’s consumption.

He has not yet disclosed to his Kenyan wife (with whom he has a 3 year old baby boy) that he is married to a Swedish woman “because of papers” and the woman normally communicates as though she is Masumbuko’s only wife. The arrangement has been working perfectly because he has managed to keep his Swedish wife completely out of the info loop about developments in Kenya.

Parents of the Swedish woman hate Masumbuko like leprosy because they believe that he is just “another sucker” using their daughter “to make papers” and that he will abandon her the same day he gets his papers from Immigration authorities. Masumbuko has claimed that the woman’s parents are “hard-core racists” who have been fighting to end his relationship with their daughter, arguing that their child “can never be married to a blue nigger”. At one point, Masumbuko told KSB that the girl’s mother used the Swedish words “aldrig i livet” (never in my life) when referring to the impossibility of Masumbuko marrying her beautiful chick baby.

Masumbuko’s “Mega Blunder”
The day when the girl took Masumbuko to her parents for an introduction, there was a huge crisis because they were shocked to learn that Masumbuko “was a nigger”, not from the United States but from a village in Kenya. Speaking to KSB, Masumbuko said that the girl’s parents “thought that they had brought up their daughter to believe that black people are monkeys and when I surfaced, they got a shock of their lives”. Masumbuko told KSB that the girl has told him los of stories she gathered from his parents that portray Africans as savage, poor, starving, Aids cariers, always at war and other negative stuff. The mother refused to shake hands with Masumbuko, arguing that she has “never touched a nigger” in her entire life and that she will never do it “now or in the future”.

When their daughter told them to prepare to meet her new boyfriend, Masumbuko said that they expected a blond haired, blue eyed white Swedish boy”, not a “dark skinned monkey”. The girl told Masumbuko that there was no need of telling her parents that he was black because she knew they would never accept to meet him so it was better to surprise them because she wanted to make a statement that she was in love. After the crisis, the girl broke with her parents and made a decision to be with Masumbuko against her parent’s wishes. But that was a long time ago.

It was Masumbuko’s first time to live under the same roof with a white woman. Since he did not know what to do, and since he is the kadume who does not seek advice on personal matters, he decided to go it alone. He obeyed all the rules as he began the process of understanding how the white woman’s brain works. It was an interesting period and he says that he has had to do things he could never have done in life.

When pressed by KSB to give examples, he said that he had never thought in his life that he would, as a matter of routine, walk a dog every morning, pick its crap, wrap the shit  in a polythene bag and keep it safely in his pocket to be dumped later. His girlfriend made him to accept that the dog was actually a legitimate family member and whenever an introduction of the family came up during a “meet my friends” session, the dog (whose name is Harry) would be mentioned as the third member of the Masumbuko family.

He did everything the girl expected him to do until one day, the girl told him that he is “her dream guy”. It is at this point that Masumbuko carefully began to work out the marriage connection, eventually ending up at a low-key marriage ceremony at Rådhuset in Stockholm where they were pronounced “husband and wife” at the State registration Office. It was low key because the girl said that her relatives would not attend even if they were invited.

Next, Masumbuko made the woman pregnant because he had been told by some Kenyan contacts that unless he could make a baby, he will have to return to Kenya to wait for his papers, time when another nigger could step in to confuse the girl to divorce him causing him to be abandoned in Kenya.

He was pumped with propaganda that a Swedish girl who has “tasted a nigger” could easily be lured by another nigger-bull and that there was no guarantee that once he returned to Kenya, his “paper mission” would be safe and secure. He was told that the “paper waiting period” could take as long as one year, time when, he was told, “anything could happen”.

At the time the current crisis exploded, the Swedish girl was six months pregnant and Masumbuko regrets the day he forgot to close down his secret yahoo email after receiving an abrupt phone call from a friend. He had been on the computer for almost two hours, checked mail and was surfing other sites when the call came in.

Fake Emails
As he moved away from the computer to attend to the phone, the girl took his position on the computer desk to check her email as usual. Under normal circumstances, Masumbuko would close down “classified websites” before he gets off the computer desk or avoid them altogether if the lassie was around. If he knew he was checking “safe mail”, he would leave it open for the girl to read “healthy stuff” so that she could remain calm especially after he discovered that one of the best ways of taming a Swedish woman is to appear to be open “about everything”.

According to Masumbuko, there was no better way of doing it than leaving her to read his emails as she floated under the illusion that her love had only one email address. Cleaver Masumbuko had even set up fake email addresses so that he could send “strategic mails” to himself whose content the girl would routinely consume “to align her” to continue seeing Masumbuko as Mr. Nice. To spice up things, Masumbuko would send mail to himself extolling his good virtues and praising the woman for having made a good choice.

“Say hi to your nice and caring Swedish wife and tell her we love her so much. Make sure you bring her for holidays in Kenya when everything is fine because she is now part of our family”, he once wrote as part of strategy to alert the woman that he had already talked about her to members of his family in Kenya when the truth was that her presence in Masumbuko’s life remained a “top secret”.  Masumbuko said that the girl was so excited to learn that she had been accepted as a “family member” back in Kenya. “She beamed with joy when I told her that she was now part of the Obama family”, Masumbuko told KSB.

Little did she know that she was being taken through the paces of an advanced and very complicated “paper game”. Once he noticed that the girl kept on being excited about little things, he kept on inventing them and using these inventions to tie her up in preparation for a visit to the Immigration. When he told the girl that he would love her until death, the girl cried although Masumbuko was just joking because he knew that he was in a “paper relationship”. Secretly, he regretted his carelessness with words because he was left wiping tears which should not have been shed in the first place.

Kenyan Wife
When the Swedish woman took over Masumbuko’s position on the computer desk, it was very normal. But when she clicked on one of the open pages, she came to Masumbulo’s secret email address and began to read a letter that Masumbulo had forgotten to shut down.

Masumbuko said that it was one of the most stupid mistakes he has ever made in his entire life. He never checks out his secret email when the girl is around and, on this catastrophic day, he checked it when he was expecting her back from work. The girl returned long after he had checked mail and the problem is that he simply forgot to close down the page before venturing into other sites.

The details in the email were self-explanatory. On this particular day, Masumbuko’s Kenyan wife had written to thank him for the cash he sent last time. The Swedish girl had been convinced that the cash is going to his mother to pay school fees for Masumbuko’s younger brother who was unable to go to school after Masumbuko’s father allegedly passed away in a brutal road crash (don’t worry that Masumbuko’s dad is alive and kicking). Masumbo told KSB that he had to tell some of the most brutal lies to get the girl to sing his tunes and to see stuff from his perspective. In simpler terms, Masumbuko theoretically “killed his father” to get things his way ulayani.

Since the Swedish woman helped him fix a job, he has been sending money home every month without major problems because the girl was psychologically organized by Masumbuko to believe that by allowing him to send cash “to educate his poor brother”, she was engaging in charity work and consequently, being a good human being on this planet. Interestingly, this arrangement compensated for the girl’s guilt of not having been able to help anybody during her entire life because she has been pretty much to herself with “everybody for themselves and the State for us all” philosophy in Sweden.

In the intercepted email, Masumbuko’s wife did not code the messages and she talked about the love she had for Masumbuko, how the kid resembled him, how the cash he sent home was making a big difference and keeping the family from starvation, how the family was praying for him to settle down so that he could help other family members come to Sweden and, most importantly, how her undying love for Masumbuko was “beyond anybody’s reach”.

Isitoshe, the woman congratulated Masumbuko for being “man enough” and not allowing himself to be “confused by white Swedish bitches” looking for oral sex and other weird sources of pleasure by exploiting Africans. Masumbuko had told the Kenyan woman that he had been admitted at Stockholm University where he was studying Economics and working part-time to support the young family back home while in reality he was playing “Paper games”.

When the Swedish woman finished reading the email, she was devastated. She never waited for Masumbuko to finish talking on the phone but ordered him to dump the phone and come to the computer. Surprised, Masumbuko told his caller that he would be “calling back” in a while to attend to the crisis. KSB is following the story.

Okoth Osewe

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