If you have been wondering what may have happened to the “Pregnant paperless Kenyan chick” whose storo was served to KS-Beers for Supper last year, she has delivered a bouncing baby although our spies could not get the gender of the lucky kid because information dried up very quickly when our source panicked for unknown reasons.
A few weeks after the storo hit KSB, interesting developments began to take place. A “Committee of Experts (CoE)” in Kenya-Stockholm began to sit at Vasa Temple on a daily basis to analyze numerous comments at KSB in a bid to put a name on the Kenyan dude who had allegedly been consuming the goods of the paperless chick without a “Strategic Defence Shield” that could protect him from occupational hazards associated with full access to the sumptuous goods “made in Kenya”.
The shield is made of plastic and is known to work even under very high temperatures, high friction and rocking motions known to accompany Mhanyo flights to the paradise of pleasure. When he got to the “cock-pit” with the chick, locked in the gears before reaching “a point of no return”, the guy forgot to “activate” the shield and cruised unprotected. In simpler terms, it is like riding a motor bike without a helmet.
The known risks when you are a naughty bull cruising at “high romantic altitudes” with an unprotected missile include what is called “Balooning”, a dangerous process that can ignite instant crisis if it is not aborted on time. You balloon by shooting the ball into the goal and once it’s in, you are fixed because to undo the process through abortion, you will always be at the mercy of the goal-keeper who spread out her legs and let the ball slip through. It is not the normal football where you can return the ball to the center of the field after scoring.
Unfortunately, you never know that you scored until you get a phone call from the goal-keeper with a coded message saying that “I have missed my flight this month and I am worried”. At first, the guy downplayed the matter so he told the gate-keeper to “update” him about developments. He wanted time to think about it because he got the message.
Another risk of unprotected activity is “baby responsibility” for 18 years, a burden which is known to drive guys to kronofogden aka “krono” with serious economic consequences including personal financial ruin especially if you have been producing different copies of yourself by visiting every store that opens its door for business. In practical terms, you might find your hours at Vasa reduced drastically when you have to report on duty to change diapers, push the pram to the clinic and other unspecified destinations or do the baby sitting because the mother of the thing wants to take a break at the disco with friends. In this case, the Kenyan dude understood that things were really bad when the goal keeper refused to agree to a solution that would expel the ball from her tummy because she was a Christian and she had to keep it.
However, the most dreaded risk of cruising unprotected is landing in a situation where Kenyans have to changaa so that your remains can be transported to the mother land (according to your Kenyan culture) for burial. Just like an Aeroplane can crush at high altitude if there is a serious mechanical problem, your health system can also crush if the goods you have been consuming are infected with a deadly poison called HIV known to cause AIDS (Acha Iniue Dogogo Siachi). For non Swahili speakers, that means “Let it kill me I am not leaving the young chicks”.
Once your whole machine develops “mechanical problems”, is brought to the garage to be examined by Doctors and you are told that your main equipment aka “crank shaft” may have picked up HIV when you were spinning on the “football field” of a bed you acquired at over Ksh 100.000 to increase pleasure, you would be dumb if you don’t begin to count your days on earth. The question is: why should you get into this situation if you can prevent it? We hope that the guy and the chick are healthy.
Saved By KSB Commentators
For Kenya-Stockholmers, it’s all very easy once you kick the bucket and your body is lying at Karolinksa morgue as Kenyans mobilize to raise funds so that you can make that final trip to R.I.P. They will begin to talk about you and the biggest contributors of hot gossip within the community are well known – Watu Wengine, Sam Pippo, Wakenya, Nilisikia and akina Inasemekana ya Kwamba among others.
As they swallow during fund raising, they will be saying things like: “This guy lakini, he is useless because why has he been hanyaring out of control, bedding every chick he bumps into without protection?” Others will be like: “He thought he is the Dume in town, now look. We Kenyans should not be coming to these kinds of harambees especially after people have become stupid”.
In the meantime, the Master of Ceremony, will be pumping people with sweet talk. “Mareja Reja was a good guy. He was liked by everybody because he was very generous (used to waste cash buying vinywaji at Vasa). He could welcome you (the chicks) in his house at any time. He loved being Kenyan (dating many women) and he took good care of all the friends he loved (hanyad all the women he dated without shame). He should serve as an example (through his death) because if he was not loved, so many people could not have come here today (to witness the example of carelessness). Let his death serve as a lesson to us all (hanya unprotected at your own risk) because one day, everybody will have to leave this world (he left early due to his stupidity).
The pregnant paperless chick was actually saved by commentators at KSB because once the Experts identified the bull, they sent underground Press Releases to various rumour channels and Kenya-Stockholm hot gossip Radio stations which all went on air with “Breaking news”. “Inasemekana ya kwamba the guy who ballooned the paperless chick is Man Usitaje Kamwe”, went one broadcast as other Stations added even more clues: “The guy is known to swallow only Machozi ya Simba (Konjakto)”.
By then, the paperless chick was still confused and didn’t know what to do. When the coded ID of the guy was released, real Kenyan men and women began to call him, asking him to take responsibility. The dude was told that the storo was already at the blog and that in order not to make matters worse, he should take in the chick and save her from tribulations because he was part and parcel of creating the crisis.
According to agents, everywhere the guy went, he was told the same thing while at KSB, commentators began to work overtime, dishing all sorts of advice to the troubled chick at her hour of need. One Kenyan woman in her 50s is reported to have been calling the guy almost daily, urging him to take in the girl because she is carrying her baby. “If she decides to do something bad, you will be responsible”, he was told. With heavy “panel beating” to try and get the guy to accept reality, it was a matter of time before the guy decided to call it a day at the “Denial chamber”. He accepted responsibility for duplicating himself through the known and deep channels that passes in between the valleys where the sweet goods are kept.
As we write, the dude and the chick are a happy couple and since a “paper child” has now come to reality, the couple could as well be talking about having a “long-term relationship” Kipepeo style.
KSB takes this opportunity to congratulate the couple following the birth of their sweet child. Most importantly, we take this opportunity to congratulate the Kenyan dude for having thought about the matter especially on the question of “responsibility”.
Many thanks to KS-Beers who did their work through the “normal way” of “commentarigatan”. We published the storo in good faith and now that it has ended well, everybody should be happy. The guy deserves congratulation for a work well done. As they say, “All is well that ends well”.
Okoth Osewe
About the Author
The Paperless chic has delivered a baby-girl as confirmed by insiders.
The Bull was recently seen walking very closely to the paperless chic. He gradually accepted her despite his initial animosity and arrogance. The way forward is to take responsibility for throwing his stuff in her.
congratulation to the bull for taking responsibilities. a child is a blessing and can change the whole life of yours if only u take it positively
The man recently told another friend that it was an unplanned pregnancy. His friend reacted that without protection, it was either getting a disease or the woman becoming pregnant, so he needed planning before indulging in casual sex because the woman was originally visiting him for other reasons. The Bull said that at first he did NOT want the pregnancy because he was scared of paying childcare, thus the panick. He is now adjusting to the reality of a new kid in his apartment, waiting to pay childcare for the next 18 years.
Be careful about whom you take to bed in case you have second thoughts like the Bull had in the beginning. Tumia mpira!!!