Mashaka is Back With A Wife From The Village

You may have been wondering what may have happened to the flamboyant Johnstone Mashaka, the Kenyan dude who split up with his “troublesome  wify” and nearly got his teeth knocked off by his new male replacement when he gate-crashed into his former crib and caught his Ex in a compromising position in the bed room with her muscular and gigantic Zairean dude who had taken over the woman’s sumptuous quarters.

Convinced that Kenya-Stockholm spinsters are too spoilt, brazenly Westernized and notoriously out of tune with the basic expectations of a prospecting Kenyan male suitor, Mashaka quietly retreated to Kenya with one sole agenda – to fix a typical Kenyan village-chick who would never again precipitate an abrupt matrimonial crisis once she was pronounced his wify and the process was as smooth as melted chocolate.

Speaking to KSB soon after his return from his wife-hunting expedition in Africa, Mashaka was upbeat that this time “It must work” because he had not just taken a new approach to the general concept of marriage but had also changed “relationship strategy” in a unique fashion – moving away from a Kenya-Stockholm wify to settle down with a typical Kenya-village chick who was more used to fetching water with a kube (plastic jag) down the river than enjoying a luxurious hot bath in a water-filled bath tab as the hubby cooked Ugali under the strict Western gender equality rules.

In short, Mashaka was done with frying chicken in the kitchen as the woman watched TV, shuffling the dishes after meals under some kind of “dish-washing time table”, changing diapers, doing the laundry, reporting his whereabouts via sms every time he detoured to Vasa Temple unexpectedly to catch up with the latest gossie and, most importantly, spending lonely evenings at home to give the woman room to go jumping in the disco with friends because it was a “Lady’s only Night”.

According to Mashaka, what bored him most was the sight of his ex wife returning home in the wee hours of the morning totally zonked after she had been guzzling red wine all night with some miscreants she called “besties” who kept pushing her for those silly Lady’s only outings which was part of the reasons why his marriage fell apart.

The main problem was that majority of these ladies were divorcees whose relationships collapsed because of weird behavior which no African male could put up with even in the name of “equality of the sexes”. His vision of a new wify was that of a chick who had never seen a wine bottle, did not know how to dance and who had never heard about “equality of the sexes” ie a chick who understood that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. The whole plan was super!

Behind the scenes, Mashaka is a ruthless dude. When his first relationship entered into crisis, he was already having a relationship with another Kenyan woman in Nairobi whose goods he had consumed during a trip, ending up ballooning her after promising her paradise in Stockholm. Unfortunately, the chick made one serious mistake. As her belly continued to swell and as Mashaka began to organize how she could relocate to Stockholm so that they could start a new life, the lady told Mashaka that her ultimate dream was to eventually travel to the United States of America, not just to study but to live there. This was Mashaka’s ultimate nightmare – a lady who still had plans of relocating once she was brought in Stockholm to play “loyal wife”.

Lunatic Perspectives
When the real signals “were returning negative” on his romantic radar screen, Mashaka consulted his obedient conscience and understood that the chick could turn out to be another heavy burden who could, once again, re-convert him into a single dude in Stockholm as she pursued her relocation plans to the United States after the process of Mapepe fixing.

Consequently, Mashaka just dumped the chick quietly with the pregnancy and changed his contact lines to disappear for ever from her life. Next, he decided to go for something completely new, original, “green” and “reliable” – a loyal and submissive wife from the village, the type who adores her husband (the bread-winner) as he pulled all strings in typical traditional style.

Using his connections in his home village deep down in the interior of Africa, Mashaka went on what he told KSB, was a “Wife hunting venture”. He had converted some Kronazz into Kenya shillings aka “Kwachazz” while his profile as a “Kenyan in Diaspora” was enough to get him “anything he wanted”, save for talking to President Mwai Kibaki or his Coalition partner, Raila Odinga.

In an isolated village in his home district of Kerugoya, Kenya, Mashaka’s handlers led him to a brown, gorgeous, beautiful and innocent young chick of twenty four who, miraculously, “became his wife” as soon as he saw her.

Apart from her beauty, which hit Mashaka like thunder-bolt, Lonah Njoki was the type of girl who was obediently harvesting fire wood in the bush to be used as fuel in the contraption of a village kitchen where the main cooker was no more than a tiny pot hinged on “three great stones” which took all the heat as real fire burnt from below, progressively converting the wood fuel into ashes in an ever ending cycle that produced constant meals to feed the entire family.

When the cooking is in progress and you are standing outside, watching developments from a distance, smoke rises lazily into the sky from the mud-walled, grass thatched roof to indicate that some Ugali-magic and Si-kuma Wiki combination may be in the works. Mashaka studied the rounded madiabas of his would be wife then pictured his fingers playing on her chesticles as she crisscrossed the home and all the time, his imagination spiraled out of control.

From his “lunatic perspective”, the “rough edges” of the chick that, according to Mashaka’s analysis, were the product of difficult village life would be smoothened easily once she got used to the hot bath tab in his apartment flat in Stockholm as she went through the different brands of skin-oil purchased from Ålens/NK and as she got used to a better diet of Managryn aka ugali, soft chicken meat, spaghetti, roast meat et al, away from hard labour in the village.

Despite the fact that the lucky chick was bare-feet, Mashaka pictured her in high heeled shoes although he imagined that she may have to undergo some orientation to enable her “acclimatize”, not just to get used to walking in high heels but also to adopt to leather boots which Stockholm women adorn especially in winter.

Acclimatization to situation in Stockholm
Another picture which crossed Mashaka’s mind as his eyes danced on the chick’s figure was the prospect of viewing her “in black tights” and a white t-shirt whose length ended “in the middle of her bosom”, leaving the other part of the mountain in full view as they strolled into a disco joint “holding hands” for the new woman to be introduced to Stockholm’s sophisticated night life. His imagination was that he would take her to Bans, Spy Bar, Kaffe Opra and other expensive joints where Kenyans can not afford. This was in line with keeping her “properly shielded” from nasty Kenyans who would begin to feed her with nasty propaganda aka fitina.

Mashaka’s calculation was that within a month (or thereabout), the lady shall have been “smoothened up” and, combined with sexy clothes (complete with tight stylish jeans and other mgongo wazi designs readily available in the Stockholm’s fashion market), a sophisticated hair-style weaved at Elizabeth’s salon and other “modernizing processes” (lipstick, foundation make-up, ear rings, penciled eyes, perfumes and what have you), the new lady of the house would eventually undergo a systematic metamorphosis that would enable her shed off her village outlook and give her the fashionable “Stockholm touch” that would send the desperado Kenya-Stockholm bachaleros running crazy “Kipepeo-style”.

For the chick’s parents back in the back-water village, the big question was whether the work they did in the bedroom 24 years ago was about to yield real fruits and Mashaka did not let them down. It was time for the single drop from the father’s equipment to pay off in a big way because Mashaka was the big dude which luck and destiny had eventually brought their way.

The chick’s paroz were members of the “Heaven Direct Apostle Church” and when Mashaka surfaced at their homestead packed with interest for their daughter who had been stuck in the village after her 8-4-4 education, it was a rare moment of a “Prayer full-filled” because for a long time, the parents had been asking God for blesses.

For a “wealthy Kenyan from Diaspora” to have shown interest in their daughter despite the millions of blond-haired white chicks in Europe, some act of divine intervention must have been at play in line with their millions of prayers and this is what, the family thought, was worth celebrating. Noticing the religious attitude with which the lucky girl’s parents viewed the impending relationship, Mashaka strengthened things by adding that it was all “an act of God” although he never even went to church due to strong hang-overs after Sato rioting in Stockholm city.

Once the traditional formalities of snatching lady Lonah Njeri were over and focus centered on marriage as the agenda, the process began to move very fast. Mashaka proposed that he didn’t want a sophisticated wedding so they settled for a simple village option that was cheap and conducive. The wedding took place at the local Church, the wedding clothes were picked from the local shops although Mashaka made sure he had a modest European suite to sustain his unique “Diaspora status”.

He then hired the local Taxi man to carry them to the church and other local cars that were available to carter for the woman’s relatives. Apparently, local and cheap weddings had been taking place in the village so when he gave signals that he wanted one, the job was easy as local contacts were quickly wired by the family to oversee every stage of the process.

The easiest was the department of food because Mashaka was advised to buy a bull to be slaughtered to carter for everybody. This was cheap because the whole food-budget cost him less than 1,500 kr. When he eventually calculated the total cost of the wedding, he parted with just about 5,000 kr, the cheapest wedding he could ever imagine and that included dowry. Next, Mashaka took her new wify to the Swedish Embassy to apply for a Permanent Residence Permit.

When we met him with his new wife in Stocky after the whole process was over, he looked a happy man although much depends on what will now happen. One thing he was not keen on was exposing the woman to Wakenya because he believes that members of the community are dangerous. For many observers who know and understand the circumstances, the big query is how Mashaka will shield his woman from Kenyans and whether he will succeed this time around after his marriage collapsed some months ago. For now, it is a wait and see situation.

Okoth Osewe

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Makozewe

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A blog for News and Events happening around Kenyans in Stockholm.

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